One Day Later...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

The Oscars results are quite astonishingly, gloriously, exquisitely DULL!

Best Picture - T** K***'s S*****
Best Director - T** K***'s S*****
Best Actor - T** K***'s S*****
Best Original Screenplay - T** K***'s S*****
Best Title - T** K***'s S*****
Best Coffee On Set - T** K***'s S*****
Best Taste in Shoes -T** K***'s S*****
Best Idea - T** K***'s S*****
Best friend - T** K***'s S*****
Best best - T** K***'s S*****
Best ever - T** K***'s S*****
Best cute Brits - T** K***'s S*****

Oh and the Social Network, The Fighter and Inception got some for nice sound and/or supporting people. Or for making films that we've basically seen before. Thanks.

Last Minute Oscars Choices

[CC Licenced image by Dave_B_]

Ok, ok, so they're about to give out some supposedly important film awards very soon.

I haven't seen loads of the films that are nominated. Does this matter? Psshhh, nah! Where's the fun in making informed, reasonable choices. These are made on hearsay, fragments of knowledge and instinct alone!

Here's the list, we'll see tomorrow if the real people got it right and matched me.

Best Picture
"Black Swan," - Nah. It's good but... not really all that.
"The Fighter" Nah, not seen this.
"Inception," If we make it open-ended, will people think it's half-assed or will they think it's genius? Apparently, the latter.
"The Kids Are All Right," Wha'?
"The King's Speech," Seriously. I never want to hear these three words again.
"127 Hours," James Franco chews his own arm off. Well done.
"The Social Network," No. I don't want to watch this. Go away.
"Toy Story 3" Has deserved winner stamped all over it.
"True Grit" Fabulous. Better than Toy Story? Probably not.
"Winter's Bone" ...Same as with True Grit. Love it, but it doesn't beat Toy Story.

Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in "Biutiful" I like Javier Bardem. Haven't seen this though.
Jeff Bridges in "True Grit" Yes.
Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network" RraaaRRrrGGHH, Go away.
Colin Firth in "T** K***'s S*****" Stop it! Stop it!
James Franco in "127 Hours" But he's the Green Goblin...

Actor in a Supporting Role
"T** K***'s S*****" again? Make it stop! This one clearly goes to:
John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone"

Actress in a Leading Role
Loads of good choices here. Both these are good:
Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone"
Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"
but we have a winner:
Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine" She was brilliant.

Actress in a Supporting Role
I've seen almost none of these.
Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit"
wins by default. "T** K***'s S*****" can go take a hike.

Animated Feature Film
I really want to see
"The Illusionist" Sylvain Chomet
but if I made Toy Story my Best Film, it'd peobably better take this prize as well.
"Toy Story 3" Lee Unkrich

Art Direction
I don't really know what this award means

Cinematography
"True Grit," by Roger Deakins, was beautiful

Director
Either
"Black Swan," Darren Aronofsky which was amazingly well put together.
or
"True Grit," Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Not "T** K***'s S*****"

Aaaaaaand I think I'll stop there. The other categories can sort themselves out. The Documentaries award should be interesting and I plan on watching most of them but... as I've basically seen none of the shorts listed, it seems a little pointless even to speculate.

The one massively embarrassing thing to admit is that I've not seen a single one of the foreign film selection. How has that been allowed to happen? Best sort this out soon!

Just for the record, they are:
Foreign Language Film

"Biutiful," Mexico
"Dogtooth," Greece
"In a Better World," Denmark
"Incendies," Canada
"Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)," Algeria

Women In Horror

....yeah. Despite what that banner says, we're 3/4 of the way through Women in Horror recognition month and I've done nothing. Whoops :(

In lieu of me doing anything worthwhile about it, check out:

Official site: http://womeninhorrormonth.com/

Facebook page (updated regularly!)

The brilliant Day of the Woman blog

The ever-wonderful Lightning Bug's Lair

And the fabulous Horror Digest

And there's a whole tonne of other treats and goodies out there for you to find if you look around a bit!

CRUNCH CRUNCH BANG

[CC Licenced photo by Katerha]

Now, I love going to the cinema. And I take it pretty seriously. Your behaviour in the cinema should be determined by the kind of film you're watching.

Tense psycho-drama? Don't talk, mutter, mumble or make a noise.

Comedy? Laugh.

Splatter horror at a film festival? Laugh along with everyone else at all the inappropriate gory moments that you all love.

Ok? Are we agreed? Good.

Now let's move ourselves swiftly along to the contentious topic of eating in the cinema. Here, I make no apologies: I am near-fascist in my hatred of noisy food. There's a certain kind of action film (hello Die Hard 4.0!) that totally permits the slurp of mega-sized fizzy drinks and the crunching of popcorn but... in most other respects, it's just irritating. I love popcorn. I love eating popcorn at the cinema. But I also love those tense moments of cinematic silence, as we wait with baited breath to see if... CRUNCH MUNCH CRUNCH GUZZLE CHOMP ..oh. You just ruined that moment by scoffing a faceful of popcorn. Thanks.

Sometimes I wish say to myself "I'm going to kill that guy if he keeps rustling those sweets"


I am, however, a moderate and restrained kind of person, and so have never actually followed through with this mental threat. Sadly not everyone is quite as calm! The Telegraph reports that a 27 year old Latvian shot a fellow cinema-goer dead for the volume of his popcorn munching!

Eesh! Now bear that in mind next time you eat noisily at the cinema!

(Thanks to Cineshock for alerting me to this!)